It’s 3am

 The most eyeopening fact about dating is that so many of us are indelibly damaged. 

On to the next.

Well, I have been back 5 days. Martin has just been ignoring my texts. …

I sent a message asking what was going on in his head and why he was so distant the last couple of days that we were together. He replied the next day by saying “Everything was fine until I read this message…” He sent that along with a link to a meme – Titled: The Man’s Diary vs The Women’s Diary. It was basically making fun of me and saying I was over reacting … I responded hours later by saying I wasn’t asking for his undivided attention, I just simply noticed a change. All I wanted to do was see where his head was at. It has been a whole day and I never got a response from him.

So, I guess that’s it! I was the only one that every reached out to him in the first place and now I have deleted my FB account… so I seriously doubt I will hear from him any time soon.  Why, did I delete my FB account you ask? Well, the pictures I posted raised a lot of eyebrows to friends and family. Some people didn’t even know that I was not with my ex husband anymore! This was the fist picture I have posted with another man since I was with my husband.  To say the least … it was a bad decision.  I will touch more on this later.

Now, I know this must sound dramatic as hell but this has been pretty weird for me. I never went to San Francisco thinking that we would fall in love and start up a relationship… but I would like to be able to carry on a conversation with him now that we are back.  The only thing he has sent me are one word replies … The reality of it was that we didn’t know each other at all.  We spent one steamy night together and fell into lust for a moment. Suddenly we were together for 6 days straight and I think that he didn’t really like me beyond my looks. I am smart but not the type to watch the news and read a lot of books or news articles….well,  anything for that matter.  He on the other hand is a damn teacher! He looks up and researches everything.  Our conversations were not always empty but I think he honestly wanted more context or opinions from my side.  If that was not the issue maybe my snoring at night was so unattractive he completely lost interest in me. ( He mentioned I sounded like a grizzle bear and it kept him up at night) Sooooooo yeah.  I took a chance on spending a random, once in a life time vacation with someone I barely knew and it backfired on me … in so many ways.

Coming back home meant coming back to reality and all the people in it.  A week before I left for San Francisco I FINALLY was asked out on a date by a man that I have been flirting with for about 2 years. I initially saw him at my local YMCA years ago and was just floored on how incredibly gorgeous this man was. Then about a year later I was working at a tanning salon and he was a customer there. I was able to introduce myself and found out his name Bruce and was seeing someone, I was married so it didn’t really matter anyway.  Now, recently I have been seeing him in the new gym… the attraction and the flirting was beyond words obvious. Then one day he ran into me and asked me for my number. We went on a date a few days later and hit it off really well. Within a couple of days he even introduced me to one of his kids! I liked him and have liked him since the moment I saw him, but I wasn’t sure of his intentions. Normally I would assume that if a man introduces me to his kids then he wants to get serious. Unfortunately for me however, I have had a man introduce me to his kids before and still went MIA within a couple of dates.  I just didn’t trust him yet, and didn’t really know how to explain to him or anyone else for that matter, my plans and the circumstances surrounding my vacation. I did tell him, as well as everyone else, that I was going on a business trip to San Francisco. I fucked things up when I posted photos. Bruce didn’t have a FB. I blocked a few people from seeing the pictures but I forgot to block his son’s best friend’s parents… who I am related to.  Well… while I was gone Bruce was questioning his son’s friend about me, and found out I was posting photos with another man on my vacation.  Given, I have only known Bruce a week, and we had only seen each other about 3 times by the time I left for my vacation, I still saw more potential in being in a relationship with him then I did with Martin. So the simple fact that he had to learn about  Martin from his 17 year old son, made me look like a player in his eyes.  He approached the subject very calmly and has been pretty understanding.  He just has major trust issues and this sent up tons of red flags. I am scared that I have ruined this relationship before it started….

Needless to say I am done with Face Book for awhile. Bruce and I had a conversation concerning things that have caused issues in our past relationships… Facebook was a common denominator. I decided to deactivate FB along with all my other social media in hopes that might prove how much I wanted to try and work something out with him. He said that he really appreciated me doing that and it was a big step.  So hopefully this will lead to something good! I always seem to be so hopeful and excited but terrified and septic all the time.  I’ve also decided to wait to have sex with him too… I have given in way too quickly with guys in the past and they never lead to anything … I am doing things differently this time.


Back to reality ….

My life is random to say the least.

Yesterday I returned home from a 6 day vacation with a man that I barely know.  I met him in March ( 2 months ago ), while in Washington, DC on a business trip.  Martin, is British. A teacher. A traveler. He has the most gorgeous blue eyes I have ever seen and for him to have the British accent on top of the good looks, just left me in a daze.  We clicked right from the get go. He was the type to kiss me in front of everyone in public, and made me feel like we were the only ones in the room. He was intense and funny… he just had a way of making me feel important and worthy of good things that I have denied myself.

We both returned home (my home is in Texas and his is in Georgia) and messaged each other a handful of times before this adventure. We only spent a couple of evenings together in DC, but I told him as I was getting into my Uber that I knew this wasn’t “Good bye”, this would just be “See ya later”.  I just had a gut feeling I would see him again.  So weeks turned into months and I would still randomly think about him… and wonder what he was doing. I would occasionally reach out to him and message him on Facebook when he “liked” one of my posts.  Then one day I asked him to meet up with me in Florida for my vacation … I booked a cool little spot for me and my kids and thought he might want to join me while we were there in June. I think he was surprised I asked… but I really couldn’t think of anyone else besides my kids that I would like to join me on that trip.  He acted like he wanted to see me but suggested he just come to visit me here in my home town in May instead. I was surprised he would want to come here, to my little “poe-dunk town” and spend his vacation time with me… considering we had only spoken a handful of times since we met.   I started planning places to take him in the Austin and Dallas area, and sent him a few ideas of a spot I had visited before with my ex. He wasn’t thrilled with the fact that I wanted to take him to a place I had been to with someone else, so he suggested something more “exotic”.  He threw around a few ideas and even considered going out of the country…. sadly I don’t have a passport. So, it came down to my hometown, Vegas, or San Francisco.  I chose San Francisco!  He had me send him a list of places I wanted to visit while I was there, and before I knew it he had my flight booked. I told no one except my brother. I told everyone it was a business trip. I was simply to hard to explain everything. This was just too random for most people to really understand.

We arrived at the SFO airport about the same time… as soon as he saw me he dropped his bags and grabbed me! He kissed me in front of everyone…. a long passionate kiss… we were both grinning from ear to ear. As we waited for our Uber driver he stepped back and looked at me with a smile on his face … “You are so pretty!”, he said.  I just blushed and turned my eyes to the floor as I said thank you. It was an amazing feeling to finally be next to him again.

When we arrived  to the hotel he couldn’t keep his hands off me…. with him it was easy, he made me feel comfortable and attractive …when he held me I felt like I was supposed to be there. It was nice.

The next morning we got up had breakfast and headed out to the Golden Gate Bridge State Park. That was our best day there. I was literally floored by the photo opportunities. I am a photographer on the side, so this was heaven for me! I immediately started posting pictures to my Facebook page, and he noticed I was not tagging him in any of them.  My initial plan was to not post any pictures of him… or tag him in anything because we were not dating… I had not posted a photo with any other man since I separated with my husband.  So, when he brought it up I felt kinda bad. He felt like i was embarrassed to tell anyone about him or that I was hiding him from someone I was dating back home. That was absolutely not the case…. so was like screw it. We are adorable together… I might as well show off a little bit.  I ended up posting tons of pictures with him and just dealt with all the questions from friends and family. 

We roamed around the park and walked across the Golden Gate Bridge, and ended up walking another 20 minutes up to Battery Spencer for a beautiful view of the city.  For lunch we went to Sausalito, CA at a GORGEOUS Italian restaurant…. We had the whole place to ourselves! Talked about our past relationships and what we want in the future.  We walked over to the ferry and road the boat over to San Francisco.  We got to the hotel around 9:30 and passed out… He didn’t touch me but we slept in the same bed….not exactly what I was hoping for but I figured he was used to being alone and super worn out from the day.  The next morning he was complaining about not being able to sleep and how hard I was to sleep with, because I snore and move around so much… he also woke up with a sore throat. I felt horrible for him. So I offered to just go out for a jog and give him some time to rest in hopes that he would perk up and feel better.  My morning jog turned in to a little adventure… the homes and the hills around me were incredible.  I ended up taking more pictures then I did jogging for sure! I returned and we had breakfast… he felt a little better after that. We messed around in bed and snuggled for a bit and then got on with our day.  That day he had planned for us to go to Alcatraz Island.  We walked there from the hotel and took pictures of everything along the way.  The ferry ride to the island was a quiet one… I kind of felt at this point he was getting annoyed with me.  We got to the island and we both kinda did our own thing. It was an audio tour which meant we all got a head set and listened to the history of the prison on Alcatraz island. Martin, was very excited to see this place so I knew he was going to want to see everything there… I had planned on giving him is space and time to explore.  We were in there maybe 5 mins and I lost him… I didn’t mind it. I moved along and explored myself.  The place was beautiful, but we were not with each other much that day. We met up right before the boat left and I was freezing…. the wind there was extremely cold, and I was the dumb ass that wore a dress.  We got back to the main land and walked over to the Fisherman’s Dorf.  He was still distant towards me… something felt off.  We ended up sitting down for a second and talking, I was rummaging through my purse for something when I found a tiny bottle of Fireball whiskey.  I kinda got excited and jokingly said “YAYYY! This should warm me up!”  He looked at me all crazy eyed and ask me if I was an alcoholic.   Now…understand that this was my vacation!!  I had not had more then 2 beers in front of this man the whole 3 days we were together at this point.  I was kinda offended but laughed it off and tried to act like everything was cool.  We ended up at a really nice sea food restaurant, and had started talking about the night we met and how I knew we would see each other again. He said he caught butterflies for me that night and it was something he rarely does.  I said something about our connection and that’s when he said for me to just keep my feelings in check basically and not get hung up on him.

After that night we had more awkward points… he would occasionally hold my hand or kiss me but I felt like I antedated most of our physical interaction.  So, in a way I should be happy that he truly wanted me there for my companionship and not sex…. But I left my trip feeling confused… I got on the plane back home feeling like I just jumped off a roller coaster of emotion and by the end of the flight I felt like I was coming down off of a high.  It was back to reality… Back to being alone, and back to knowing I had feelings for someone and had no idea how they felt about me.  I mean the guy planned everything and spent a ton of money on me! He did a lot for me and took into account everything I wanted to see and do from the flight seats to the food we ate. He was incredible.  But still… I worry that he regretted inviting me. He’s kind-of a loner I suppose, so he is used to doing his own thing all the time. He has never had kids and never been married. He doesn’t go out and doesn’t drink. He has not had a girlfriend in 7 years.  He is incredibly attractive and smart… has a great job and really easy to get a long with. A great catch and a good man!  I have thought about it all day today and I guess I have come to the conclusion that he just wanted to take someone along on his trip. I am still at a loss on why he chose me, but ultimately that is all he wanted.

I can not see myself in a long distance relationship, so its not like I went up there thinking that we were gonna fall in love and become a couple.  The feelings I have right now are confusing and complicated. I have been back 2 days and I have barely spoken to him.  I wrote him several times yesterday and just now got a one word response back at 5:30pm. It’s just weird for me. I did not get that gut feeling when I left him this time. I don’t think we will see each other again this time…. and I am not sure why.  Maybe it was just lust and as he got to know me he decided he wasn’t into me…. IDK. It hurts. Rejection always hurts the most. Most of the time I just feel like a “pretty face”. I would like to think I have a great personality and a huge heart but evidently it’s not what men want.  I have a good job and a handful of close friends. A new car and nice house. Well mannered children. What am I doing wrong?


Self Discovery. Life after Divorce.

Seeing this title must seem so familiar to anyone going through a divorce… I know tons of books or blogs have been written with something titled along these same lines… but for the moment, this title seems fitting for my blog.

I’m a 31 year old mother of 2 living near Dallas, Texas. I recently received a promotion working for a skin care and makeup company.  I love my job… I make my own hours, great benefits and have an amazing boss. I am a lucky girl to say the least! My support system is amazing as well, and that’s a huge reason why I still live in this tiny little town and commute an hour or more to work. I’d loose a lot of freedom and so would the kids. 

This month marks 9 months of being separated from my husband of 10 years. I have remained single the entire time… dated but I haven’ t found anyone that I could get serious with. My ex however met someone within a month of separating, and has been living with his girlfriend and her 3 kids in her parents house with her parents for the past 6 months.  Its a slap in the face… but it could be worse. He could be living with the women he was cheating on me with…  there is a lot of history concerning my ex and how we have gotten to this point, but I am just going to hit the ground running as far as this blog goes. The more you read the more you will learn about my past.